No. But neither do the rainbows.
I woke up, on Thursday, feeling peaceful and content. A feeling that I was not feeling yesterday.
We were still waiting for the results from my bloodwork, to know if the transfer worked. If we would be welcoming a little boy into our family.
Scott made it from work before we got the phone call, and with hesitation in my coordinators voice, she said, “I’m sorry, but you’re not pregnant.”
This is not what we wanted.
This is not what we expected.
After all the appointments, shots, meds and money…we still aren’t pregnant.
It’s devastating, heartbreaking, unbelievable and the list could go on. We have hoped, prayed, asked for angels to help us…so many things that we felt inspired to do and felt good to do. But sometimes God has a different plan for us, which is honestly so hard to imagine when in the thick of the storm.
While trying to understand why this could happen, yet again, I came across a beautiful message shared by Elder Dallin Hallstrom (a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).
In real life, we face actual, not imagined, hardships. There is pain—physical, emotional, and spiritual. There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated. There is injustice when we do not seem to deserve our situation. There are disappointments when someone we trusted failed us. There are health and financial setbacks that can be disorienting. There may be times of question when a matter of doctrine or history is beyond our current understanding.
When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?
There have been more storms in my life than I would have liked. Storms that I never even thought would exist in my life, to be honest. Through each storm, rather than turning away from God, I choose to turn to our loving Heavenly Father. I trust Him, with my whole heart, even when there is still doubt in my mind.
It takes time, and sometimes more time that we would expect, but the rainbow does come after the storm. I have seen this in my life, even in some of the most difficult of circumstances. After fighting long and hard through our fertility treatments, we were blessed to be expecting our first daughter, Emma. She was a true miracle after everything we went through. Unexpectedly, I went into pre-term labor and she was born at 21-weeks, just a few weeks too early to have a better chance at surviving. The storm that came after her was a long and torrential, but the rainbow came! Our sweet rainbow baby, Annabelle joined our family and brought all the sunshine back into our lives.
This is the girl that still brings a rainbow on my storm days. She always has a way to bring a smile to my face, even as I can’t stop the tears. Tears are something she never likes to see from me, so hearing her say, “stop crying!” always follows with the biggest hug. And how could I not stop crying when I’m holding one of my life’s greatest blessings. She is one of a kind and I am so grateful that she is mine.
Other storms have come and gone, but there have been rainbows after the storms. Those are signs and sweet reminders I know are God’s way of telling me that He is aware of me. He has a plan for me, far greater than my own understanding.
Now that a day has passed and we’ve had time to process and talk to family, we are doing better. It’s still hard to understand why things didn’t work bout, but we are doing our best to put our trust in God. He is preparing a beautiful rainbow to come, after this storm that seems to never end.
So, never forget, especially if you are in the midst of a storm, that a rainbow is coming…a rainbow always comes!